Top 50 Dad Jokes

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Top 50 Dad Jokes

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There are currently 52 dad jokes in this directory
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5/4 of people admit that
they’re bad with fractions.
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A termite walks into a bar and asks,
Is the bar tender here?
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Can February March?
No, but April May!
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Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!
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Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything!
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How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
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I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw!
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know
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I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Man, they really grilled me.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down!
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I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don’t know why.
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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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If you see a robbery at an Apple Store
does that make you an iWitness?
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Justice is a dish best served cold,
if it were served warm it would be justwater.
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MOM: "How do I look?"
DAD: "With your eyes."
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
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NURSE: "Blood type?"
DAD: "Red."
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SERVER: "Sorry about your wait."
DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
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Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
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Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind... it's tearable.
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What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEY
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What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
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What do you call a lonely cheese?
Provolone.
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
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What do you get when you take away magic from a magician?
Ian
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What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
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What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na.
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What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
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What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
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What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1
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When a dad drives past a cow pasture...
LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
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When a woman is giving birth,
she is literally kidding.
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When you ask a dad if he's alright:
No, I’m half left.
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When you ask a dad if they got a haircut:
No, I got them all cut!
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Why couldn't the bike standup by itself?
It was two tired.
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Why did the crab never share?
Because he's shellfish.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
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You heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
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You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.
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